I'm sure that we all have loving children but how amazing is that love when we need it the most? This week I have recalled and experienced that amazing love once again and I'd like to share that with you all.
Ever have a day where you are just barely making it through? Where your body hurts and your heart is in shambles? Your mind is filled with sadness and emptiness and you just know that the only remedy is your bed? You can't help but make sandwiches for dinner, turn on the TV, and beg God for a break? I have had my moments.
This weekend was like all the others. Nice, productive and beautiful. I took it all in with one breath and exhaled peace. I had no issues. But in a matter of moments my sadness and perhaps my uncertainties found me. I was driving so it wasn't like the earth stood still but my heart did. I found myself in the middle of one of my daughters stories rattled with sadness.
Now, I'm a mom. I didn't want to show my daughter something was wrong with me. I pumped the music and made for a happy day. After all it was beautiful day and moms... they're tough as steel.
It took one low "uuuhhh" and no eye contact for my daughter to ask "Hey mom is something wrong?" Of course I said "Yeah, I'm fine." I swear someone must have programmed that dam sentence in women's heads all over the world. But her intuition was dead on. If we know our children like the back of our hands I am positive children know their parents very well too. They must! How else do they blackmail and manipulate us? ;)
The tears ran down my face as I still tried to keep it together. "I'm tired that's all." Yeah right, she must of thought. What am I two? She asked questions. I answered but kept it brief. One thing stopped my tears. Okay, maybe two.
One, I never looked at her and two, she said "It's okay mom things will get better but please don't cry or I'll start crying." I heard the quiver in her voice. Let one last frustrated tear fall and it was over.
We are so strong for our children and they are so strong for us. Thank you God that I live for my child's happiness and she lives for mine.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
"Sex." It's gotta come up sometime.
Throughout this parenting experience I have always tried to be careful but reasonable when my child is exposed to the topic of sex. I find that at times I'm a little surprised that its all happening so fast. They first start taking some sort of human development class in elementary. Before you know it they're talking amongst themselves about sex and where babies come from. I try to handle topics as they arise and also as honestly as possible.
Perhaps not the best approach as my first question was "Mom, what's a vibrator?" I hadn't realized she was also listening to the radio as we drove home. That day I could have killed my local disc jockey. The word had come up as a caller described her most embarrassing moment. Uhhh... I was so embarrassed. I quickly said "a toy" thinking that would be the end of it. Boy, was I sooo wrong. She pressed on and asked more questions. "Eight is a wonderful age" I thought. As I answered her questions I fell deeper and deeper into what seemed to be more trouble. In retrospect it's a HILARIOUS story. She kept looking at me saying "Tell me the truth Mom." Her little puppy eyes put me in a stupid HONEST trance. I didn't want her to hear some garbage from her friends but who was I kidding. Did they even talk about such things in elementary?
The conversation ended with her saying "Ewww, girls are nasty!" I think about it today and still can't help but laugh out loud and blush. What can you expect I was only 24. A baby myself to the parenting game I had never encountered a situation or had been taught what to do in such a scenario. Thank goodness I'm living and learning but even more thanks are owed to her schools.
I'm thankful that now a days sex and it's topics are addressed as part of the curriculum. I was glad when she told me that her school counselors periodically sat them down and asked them questions? Teens were not only able to receive information about sexually transmitted diseases but also had the opportunity to speak on other issues like abuse and violence.
Not every child has a parent that will speak freely to them about sex and those who do might not know the right things to say.
Perhaps not the best approach as my first question was "Mom, what's a vibrator?" I hadn't realized she was also listening to the radio as we drove home. That day I could have killed my local disc jockey. The word had come up as a caller described her most embarrassing moment. Uhhh... I was so embarrassed. I quickly said "a toy" thinking that would be the end of it. Boy, was I sooo wrong. She pressed on and asked more questions. "Eight is a wonderful age" I thought. As I answered her questions I fell deeper and deeper into what seemed to be more trouble. In retrospect it's a HILARIOUS story. She kept looking at me saying "Tell me the truth Mom." Her little puppy eyes put me in a stupid HONEST trance. I didn't want her to hear some garbage from her friends but who was I kidding. Did they even talk about such things in elementary?
The conversation ended with her saying "Ewww, girls are nasty!" I think about it today and still can't help but laugh out loud and blush. What can you expect I was only 24. A baby myself to the parenting game I had never encountered a situation or had been taught what to do in such a scenario. Thank goodness I'm living and learning but even more thanks are owed to her schools.
I'm thankful that now a days sex and it's topics are addressed as part of the curriculum. I was glad when she told me that her school counselors periodically sat them down and asked them questions? Teens were not only able to receive information about sexually transmitted diseases but also had the opportunity to speak on other issues like abuse and violence.
Not every child has a parent that will speak freely to them about sex and those who do might not know the right things to say.
Stern Words!
I'm sure its happened to the best of us. Your child, though smart sometimes, gets lazy in school and brings home bad grades. I say lazy because in any other circumstance that would benefit them they would mastermind any situation. This story starts with the call all parents dream of. "Mom, I got my report card."
Bad sign already. Not "I have great news!" or "Guess what?". It's "I got my report card."
Of course my response is "Really?" "So?" and then there's the sigh. I think it must of been mutual from the lapse in silence. "I got all B's and C's in the grades but I got two D's and and F on midterms." My mind said "WHAT!" but I quickly composed myself and asked God for some help.
In the past I've have been the strong arm of punishment. For Pete's sake I've punished this kid! I've taken away electronics, TV, phone use and privileges. I even cut her hair one time, made her breakup with her "boyfriend" and took away all her makeup. I thought for a moment, took a breath and then said this "Well.. you know what you have to do right? Because I don't believe that you need me to get all crazy right?" "No mom." she said.
My daughter, the smart one I referred to in the beginning had a plan. "I'm gonna start tutoring twice a week for math" she said. "Ah ha?" I replied. "And?" I continued. "No phone, no computer, no going out. I know. I know. " "Great" I said. "You have until you get your next interim report." She wasn't pleased in the least but at least I didn't have to raise my blood pressure.
Kids are funny sometimes. Parents know what to expect from their kids (I did see her slacking while she should have been studying) and kids well, they know whats coming to them (she told me at the end of the day when I was drained).
I can vividly remember knowing exactly what was going to through my father over the deep end. I also remember bracing myself for that punishment and when it didn't come I thought "Oh..oh..okay." I didn't know what to expect. Was he going catch me while I was sleeping or had I just disappointed him so much that he just stop caring?
I reflected on my past experiences and decided I'd try something new. She was punished passively and while she goes through her punishment I will encourage her and not harass her. I guess we'll see if this angle works in time.
If doesn't work we can always go back to "crazy". Hey, it works for some. :)
Bad sign already. Not "I have great news!" or "Guess what?". It's "I got my report card."
Of course my response is "Really?" "So?" and then there's the sigh. I think it must of been mutual from the lapse in silence. "I got all B's and C's in the grades but I got two D's and and F on midterms." My mind said "WHAT!" but I quickly composed myself and asked God for some help.
In the past I've have been the strong arm of punishment. For Pete's sake I've punished this kid! I've taken away electronics, TV, phone use and privileges. I even cut her hair one time, made her breakup with her "boyfriend" and took away all her makeup. I thought for a moment, took a breath and then said this "Well.. you know what you have to do right? Because I don't believe that you need me to get all crazy right?" "No mom." she said.
My daughter, the smart one I referred to in the beginning had a plan. "I'm gonna start tutoring twice a week for math" she said. "Ah ha?" I replied. "And?" I continued. "No phone, no computer, no going out. I know. I know. " "Great" I said. "You have until you get your next interim report." She wasn't pleased in the least but at least I didn't have to raise my blood pressure.
Kids are funny sometimes. Parents know what to expect from their kids (I did see her slacking while she should have been studying) and kids well, they know whats coming to them (she told me at the end of the day when I was drained).
I can vividly remember knowing exactly what was going to through my father over the deep end. I also remember bracing myself for that punishment and when it didn't come I thought "Oh..oh..okay." I didn't know what to expect. Was he going catch me while I was sleeping or had I just disappointed him so much that he just stop caring?
I reflected on my past experiences and decided I'd try something new. She was punished passively and while she goes through her punishment I will encourage her and not harass her. I guess we'll see if this angle works in time.
If doesn't work we can always go back to "crazy". Hey, it works for some. :)
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Loosening the Reigns, Maybe...
This week my daughter had exciting news for me. Her school was planning their first ever "Grad Adventure". A trip to Orlando without their parents. Actually, the first trip anywhere without her parents or family members. Am I worried? Eh....should I be? To be honest I am..a little.
When I was in middle school I had the privilege of attending my own 8Th grade trip. I had a blast! There was no drinking. There were no drugs. It was safe. Yes, there was the usual horsing around but nothing I perceive now as dangerous.
But haven't times changed? It seems that now a days you hear terrible stories about how these little knuckle heads are getting into all sort of crazy situations. Plus, on a bus...that I'm not following..ahy..I must admit it rattles my nerves. And the rides? Please, I don't even want to think about the crazy rides she's going to get herself on. Ugh.. and I almost forgot. Boys, yup there will be lots of them there.
I know... I must "chill". Everything is going to be fine. I will pray. LOL. It must have worked for my dad. I'm here and alive to tell the tale. Jeez, it's funny. I never thought how my parents felt when I first begged for the opportunity to go.
Do you remember the first time you were away from your parents
on a school trip? How did that go? Send me pics.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Frustration x 2 = Growth. Part Two
Her rebuttal to my interrogation started as I expected. "You don't understand. You're not there to see how she talks to us. Plus I'm tired. My phone's not working. My dad doesn't trust me. I'm frustrated with school and classes." It went on and on. When I had the chance I asked questions. I remained calm amazingly. I guess I felt bad. All of a sudden I could remember what it was like to be 13. I always joke with her and tell her everything seems like a BIG deal when your that age but this time I could actually feel her stress. I guess I had gotten used to dealing with sudden burst of overwhelming frustration in my life. She was only 13 and didn't have that experience to know everything has a solution.
I reached out for her hand as tears ran from her face and kissed it. I held her hand on my face. "I'm not mad at you baby." I said. I kissed her hand again. "It's going get better mami. I can help. You just got to make some decisions."
We went on to discuss responsibility and being a team player. The fact that she's always going to have someone that's difficult in her life was also touched on. I explained that she needs to communicate better with her coach and her dad. She needed to continue being a good person though her situation was against her. Her coach couldn't think she was being harsh on her if in return all she did was slack and disrespect. Her father couldn't realize she was being truthful and open if she decided not to speak to him in anger.
My drive home is about 25 minutes. When we arrived my sister, her kids, and my mother were home. Friday nights are kind of a new tradition. This seemed only to frustrate her more. Putting on a happy face for others is always a challenge. In my family especially. We're pretty proud when it comes to showing vulnerability. She wiped her face and I blinked quickly to remove any trace from my own welling of tears. We stepped out the car, walked in together and greeted our family.
It took her a moment but eventually things resumed to normal. Before I knew it she was talking on the phone, as usual (though it was my mothers) but things were calm. The teenagedom had been returned to peace after potential collapse.
As parents we go through things but so do our kids. My problems, though at times feel more important than my daughters, are not. Atleast they should seem like it.
I reached out for her hand as tears ran from her face and kissed it. I held her hand on my face. "I'm not mad at you baby." I said. I kissed her hand again. "It's going get better mami. I can help. You just got to make some decisions."
We went on to discuss responsibility and being a team player. The fact that she's always going to have someone that's difficult in her life was also touched on. I explained that she needs to communicate better with her coach and her dad. She needed to continue being a good person though her situation was against her. Her coach couldn't think she was being harsh on her if in return all she did was slack and disrespect. Her father couldn't realize she was being truthful and open if she decided not to speak to him in anger.
My drive home is about 25 minutes. When we arrived my sister, her kids, and my mother were home. Friday nights are kind of a new tradition. This seemed only to frustrate her more. Putting on a happy face for others is always a challenge. In my family especially. We're pretty proud when it comes to showing vulnerability. She wiped her face and I blinked quickly to remove any trace from my own welling of tears. We stepped out the car, walked in together and greeted our family.
It took her a moment but eventually things resumed to normal. Before I knew it she was talking on the phone, as usual (though it was my mothers) but things were calm. The teenagedom had been returned to peace after potential collapse.
As parents we go through things but so do our kids. My problems, though at times feel more important than my daughters, are not. Atleast they should seem like it.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Frustration x 2 = Growth. Part One
On Fridays most people have a sense of elation or maybe even anticipation for the weekend but this particular Friday I just couldn't wait to go home and lay my head down. Work had gotten the best of my patience and the warning sign in my head was flashing a bright red "EMPTY". I wish I could have gone straight home but that wasn't in the plans..well at least not yet. I had to pick up my baby. She's 13 years old and far from a baby but that habit of still calling her "my baby" is far from over.
On my way to her school I tried to compose myself. I relaxed, played my favorite R&B songs and tried not to get annoyed as several people cut me off and others seemed to be following a funeral procession. When I couldn't take it anymore I slammed on my clutch, switched gears and speed off into relaxation. It's amazing what speed does for me. Thank God that a little exhilaration goes a long way. I arrived with 10 minutes to spare. "How wonderful!" I thought. I can go in and speak to her after school activities coach.
As I walked into the school I instantly got this "mom" vibe. Something was going on. It wasn't a feeling of danger; it was the feeling of someone is up to no good."Where was my kid?" Yup, she was missing from the group and so where her friends. I approached one of her coaches and greeted her. I hoped she'd inform me of how well things were going but that didn't happen. She informed me that recently my daughter has had a serious attitude problem and was taking time at practice to speak to passing boys and slack in practice. That wasn't all. I also learned that as a parent I was out of the loop. Any and all information to future happenings and or past events had never been given to me. This got my blood pumping. I was team mom at her last squad not even two years ago. How I could I be that parent that never knew anything? I was embarrased. Needless to say that when I did see my daughter for the first time she knew right from my face that I was not happy. Once again, I tried to contain myself as we left the school. In my head I tried to assemble calm but firm words to get this matter resolved. I just knew that if started to swear all composure would be lost. I have an awfly foul mouth when upset.
We both got in the car and shut the doors behind us. There was a brief silence and then I spoke. "Do you still want to be in cheerleading baby?" I said as I looked at her. Her head was down looking at her cellphone and she said without looking back "yeah". "So why is it that I dont know what's going on?""Why is it that you never know what's going on?" Before I could even get an answer she was on the phone. She had called her dad to let him know I had picked her up and we were on our way to my house. By that time I had finally turned the car on and was driving home. I try not to drive when upset. Previous experience has taught me that you are not very aware of your surroundings when emotional.
When silence was present again I resumed the interrogation. "So? Cause I hear you also have an attitude." "What's up with that?" The eyes instantly rolled back and her head started to nod. Oh boy, here comes a dose of that attitude. Im her mom. I can feel exactly what's coming.
On my way to her school I tried to compose myself. I relaxed, played my favorite R&B songs and tried not to get annoyed as several people cut me off and others seemed to be following a funeral procession. When I couldn't take it anymore I slammed on my clutch, switched gears and speed off into relaxation. It's amazing what speed does for me. Thank God that a little exhilaration goes a long way. I arrived with 10 minutes to spare. "How wonderful!" I thought. I can go in and speak to her after school activities coach.
As I walked into the school I instantly got this "mom" vibe. Something was going on. It wasn't a feeling of danger; it was the feeling of someone is up to no good."Where was my kid?" Yup, she was missing from the group and so where her friends. I approached one of her coaches and greeted her. I hoped she'd inform me of how well things were going but that didn't happen. She informed me that recently my daughter has had a serious attitude problem and was taking time at practice to speak to passing boys and slack in practice. That wasn't all. I also learned that as a parent I was out of the loop. Any and all information to future happenings and or past events had never been given to me. This got my blood pumping. I was team mom at her last squad not even two years ago. How I could I be that parent that never knew anything? I was embarrased. Needless to say that when I did see my daughter for the first time she knew right from my face that I was not happy. Once again, I tried to contain myself as we left the school. In my head I tried to assemble calm but firm words to get this matter resolved. I just knew that if started to swear all composure would be lost. I have an awfly foul mouth when upset.
We both got in the car and shut the doors behind us. There was a brief silence and then I spoke. "Do you still want to be in cheerleading baby?" I said as I looked at her. Her head was down looking at her cellphone and she said without looking back "yeah". "So why is it that I dont know what's going on?""Why is it that you never know what's going on?" Before I could even get an answer she was on the phone. She had called her dad to let him know I had picked her up and we were on our way to my house. By that time I had finally turned the car on and was driving home. I try not to drive when upset. Previous experience has taught me that you are not very aware of your surroundings when emotional.
When silence was present again I resumed the interrogation. "So? Cause I hear you also have an attitude." "What's up with that?" The eyes instantly rolled back and her head started to nod. Oh boy, here comes a dose of that attitude. Im her mom. I can feel exactly what's coming.
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